Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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