Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
