i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
