when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
