I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize