i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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