I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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