walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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