my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
