my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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