I think I won the penis lottery.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Randomize
