you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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