someone threw a dead crab at me
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
