Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
