i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
