sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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