My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
