Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
