Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
