so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize