did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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