no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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