did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
