tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
