I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
