I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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