what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
