small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
