If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
