I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
