I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
