I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
