I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
