why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize