I met the friendliest cop last night
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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