what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
