Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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