we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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