Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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