I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
