You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
