Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
