he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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