ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
