Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
