This is not my ceiling
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Sober January is a disaster.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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