at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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