Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
