saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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