I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
