Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
this will be a night to untag.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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