They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
