When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
