he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
