After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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