I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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