all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
operation have a gay friend backfired
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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