I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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