i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
