Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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