Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
