Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
