BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
