he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
