I think my vagina is haunted
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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